Limbo

It occurs to me it is possible to limbo dance. Might have to give that one a bit more thought.

The Yarn Harlot has just put up a fairly amazing post about what she's been doing for the last few days. It's technically impressive stuff.

It's interesting, because reading that she'd decided to devote a whole day to spinning a week was, strangely, what helped me decide I wanted to go self-employed.
Because I used to do that kind of thing. I used to do a lot of spinning, and fibrecrafts generally. Then I spent 2 years working for a shithole of a company, working ridiculous hours for not much money, and everything went tits-up. Then last year, with all the house problems, everything that wasn't work-related went tits-up as well. Since moving, and getting a bit more settled, I've been putting more time into trying to get work, and setting up my own business, but the things I wanted to get out of the flexibility of self-employment - walking, studying, craftwork (maybe with a sideline craft business) and the opportunity to do things like yoga classes, etc. - just haven't happened. I haven't spun for nearly a year. I've only just got back into knitting.

Over the new year, I caught up with the Yarn Harlot's blog - had to go further and further back until I found a post I recognised, and eventually found a post in February, when I'd stopped reading. That was a month or so before I stopped work, when things had got particularly grim, and it was only the thought of needing the money that was keeping me going. I read on through the posts over the course of a few days, and seeing so much of her writing in a short time showed up the themes, and made me realise something. Stephanie repeatedly complains of having "start-itis" - she has many, many projects on the needles at once, and doesn't worry that much about finishing them, unless she runs out of needles or needs a particular project for a present. In her life, she seems pretty competent and together, and there doesn't seem to be any problem with getting things done.

I realised I'm the opposite.

I usually have one, maybe two, projects on the go. I'll doggedly bash away at them until they're done (sometimes enjoying them, sometimes not). If anything needs pulling back and re-doing, that's what I'll do. Very occasionally, I'll execute a dashing feat of error correction (dropping back 22 rows to pick up a dropped stitch leaps to mind) but generally, it's type A all the way. In non-knitting life, not so much. If I start something, it usually gets done in a timely manner to a good standard, but if I'm aware how much effort that will require, I just won't start. Procrastination is a major, major problem, and one you really, really don't want when you're self-employed, especially when you're self-employed doing something that isn't maybe your first or even second choice of occupation. (Quick aside: last year did confirm that there's something I would be happy doing as a career: 1) it doesn't pay, and 2) it requires a significant amount of space that I no longer have. C'est la vie.) The problem is compounded by everything I do as an occupation feeling like a test, and an opportunity to fail. If I hit a work problem I'm far more likely to get stuck - or so it feels; I've been told by people I've worked for that I'm calm, competent, and if I don't know something I either find someone who does or I find it out myself.

In reading around the problem, I came across the suggestion to play with life instead of fighting it; trouble is, I'm not even sure how to go about that. Play is something I don't really do any more, not even with craft. I've been getting more work recently and am hoping that positive work experiences on my own account may help. My problem doing this work before was that I did the work and someone else got the benefit, which now shouldn't be the case in the same way. It does feel like playing more at what I enjoy ought to be the key to the work problems - but how to play?