Visiting the blogs again, trying to marshal scattered thoughts and wondering what the hell has happened to my life. I cracked open an old Twitter account today that I'd abandoned about 7 years ago. I've re-activated it to go with the games blog that I've resurrected (Womblings). An American gaming friend has also come back to the web and a shared series of games, so it seems like a good omen.
Something in my head seems to be obsessed with consolidation, sorting things out, organising. I think that's partly the time of year - the end of summer does seem to kick that feeling off - but part of this at the moment is wanting all my scattered, fragmented parts back in one place. Not sure if this is some kind of yearning for kintsugi or just the recognition that my brain can't do what it once did - things fall apart, the centre cannot hold, and I feel like far flung parts of me are fading into darkness around the edges, like fog. Partly perhaps a need to take stock - surely the little I remember can't be all there is? What have I been doing for the past 20 years? - and try to temper the corrosive sense that I've wasted the better part of my life.
The only thing that helps a bit at the moment is the realisation that a lot of people have very full and successful lives and still feel like this when they hit fifty. As the saying goes, you spend decades climbing the ladder of success only to find that it's leaning up against the wrong wall. So there's natural work to be done there, and I'm doing it (mostly offline). And maybe if I keep doing it, I'll get some direction.
Meanwhile, I want to corral and organise these dozen-plus blogs - there is significant overlap in places - in to one cohesive blog to map out the past couple of decades. I'm sure there would be a lot of stuff that isn't moved over - a friend suggested just do it as a retrospective, pick out the best blog posts and re-post with preface, so I may do that. It may well help with the processing. Watch this space.
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